Too very often throughout my life, people have had a profound affect in my life, for the good, awkward & bad. Whether it’d be family, friends or a co-worker. One of the things that I’ve held onto, was being wise, but not as a principle, until now. I’ve been told I’m “wise beyond my years” & that “I’m mature for my age”. A lot of it was unearned. I did understand the sentiment of the compliment, but sometimes, I feel as a society, we say things sometimes to gas people up to feel good, but it stops there. Admittedly, I’m an impressionable dude, who looks as if he can be used against anyone. I look the part. Anything, anybody & anyone, can easily sway me. It took me 32 years to figure that out & I’ve been deconstructing & reconstructing myself to be better. Maybe in ways I may disappoint a loved one & in ways to better myself for the greater good of my intellect. I don’t like feeling like I have to be “on” like a robot, so I’ve been working on not feeling like a product.
2016 broke me that bad & I felt like everything was falling apart. My sanity being one of them, dealing with so much with my Mom, a concurrent job in Pembroke Pines, where I felt like the help than I did a person, a faulty a/c that wouldn’t blow cold air (and occasionally, had to report back to the same place, just to get the freon to work) & so much more. For the first time, I discovered that I was a mascot or a symbol, if you will, instead of feeling comfortable in my own skin. Took me awhile to figure that out, but I couldn’t put it into words that’ll make the concept stick. To be honest, I never felt like me, even in front of my own family, to be honest. I’m always in my head at work or at a family function, worried about how I dress, conduct myself or not break out of my “performance”. 2016 was, for the first time, was when I discovered who the hell I was: A black man who deals with autism (though, I’m high-functioning, so while I may have certain shortcomings, I excel at other areas. Let’s just say I kinda like surprising people with my particular talents), but isn’t just a guy, who’s just one thing. Even while I’m appreciative of working for my father for over 17 years, I’ve begun to understand that most people can’t unsee our resemblence; meaning, I feel like a proxy of his, dealing with the rhetorical things that’ll do nothing but annoy me. There’s nothing wrong with passing on legacies, though, it can be a pain in the ass, being asked if I’m going to “run the family business” for the millionth time. I have no interest, because I have my own aspirations with writing about foods, reviewing movies, podcasting professionally & whatever other skills that I can attempt to master.
2017 was sort of my baseline for reconstruction. Filtering most, if not all of the things that I was indoctrinated with from my family & friends, mentally & reestablish yourself for peace of mind, something I’ve been discovering for the past couple of years. My life has been stunted by the fact that I’ve under the guise of my parents & even my brother for my entire life. It hasn’t allowed me to figure out my purpose, dreams, persona, etc. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a reclusive person. I just like to be in my own space; so, I’m not saturated within the ideals from outsiders. Loneliness isn’t always a good thing, but, for me, it does give me a place to replinish my body & mind. Seeing a psychologist for a decade has done wonders for my self-esteem. Ironically, my mom got me that help in 2009. What has helped me, is discover new friends online. It was a medium that I was petrified of, but, it’s been a blessing getting to know people who don’t live in your County & live in, say, California, for example. It’s friendships that I’ve been building for two years &, hopefully, they’ll be long-term ones that I’ll cherish till the end of time. Going to the movies has been one thing I’ve been doing for a little over five years now. My life consisted of work & home, so I always wondered why I lived such a mundane lifestyle, which is why I went back to my life’s passion & sanctuary. In a way, going to the movies, weekly, reinvigorated my love for cinema again. I lost it, due to a person tell me that my career choices were “stupid” in 2013. Now, I’m betting on myself to make some noises in that particular field. Hopefully, self-employment, get hired by a publication or both.
In closing, as I’m writing this, I’m still growing & not allowing myself to be stunted by the short-sightedness of society. I’ve given a lot of people my time & autonomy, so I allowing myself the ability to finally be my own person. People’s feeling will be hurt, though, that’s not my problem to deal with. The world would be a much better place, if we didn’t shove puritanical ideals (god-fearing, abstinence, “good person” who’s actually not good & sanctimony) in everyone’s faces, people wouldn’t be as fucked up as they are. Shit’s good for no one & all it does is stunt people’s ability to be a fully-realized human being. At least, that’s what I think.
The Film Wanderer 